“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Yup.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Lmao the reply
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.