[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car