Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?