I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You Might Also Like
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
The government even made aliens boring
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein