I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
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“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
We’re all getting idioter.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Hey I worked for it too!
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you