Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
*bites zombie*
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Tuesday
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids