I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year