last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.