today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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OH. COME. ON.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.