I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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I did not eat the cake…
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Coffee is ready.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.