WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
emergency phone
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late