Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.