Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Spell check is for lasers.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?