[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
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When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
That’s no pocket rocket.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.