[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!