“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
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it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.