i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
A man of commitment.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”