Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Now this is how you LinkedIn