My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know