When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
😂😂😂
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”