Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.