Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
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What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.