Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
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ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.