Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT