INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”