ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions