God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
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me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me My dog
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird