Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
How times have changed.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.