Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
You Might Also Like
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.