Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*