My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
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[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.