*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director