On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
My birth announcement for our third baby
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?