We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You Might Also Like
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.