Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
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[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex