The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
had to make it
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.