Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
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no!! no!!!!!!
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen