Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer