I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”