it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women