Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
You Might Also Like
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
girl on bumble: hey 馃檪 ur cute but I noticed you didn鈥檛 include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don鈥檛 see why this is important
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don鈥檛 answer
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that鈥檚 just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I鈥檓 trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
I go by many names but I鈥檓 usually referred to as Plan B.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor鈥檚 backyard
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i鈥檒l wait
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that鈥檚 big you should see some of the ones outside has
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult