My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
You Might Also Like
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”