My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
japanese corn
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
incredible text to wake up to
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.