The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom π πππππππ
You Might Also Like
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
twitter is a journey
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: βIs it OK if I pet you dog?β
Me: βSure. Go aheadβ
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: βAaargh. WTF, man!β
Me: βYeah. I wish heβd stop doing that.β
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, βso you want a salad?β The lady said, βno, a sub without bread.β So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldnβt be telling yβall this.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
People on tiktok r like βI bought the viral mascara so you donβt have toβ and im like when did I have toβ¦β¦
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Hitlers gonna hitl
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
windshields shouldnβt exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if thatβs how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god