[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
philosophical skeletons be like
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.