Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Go girl power!
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth