Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays