the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
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I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
i meant to share this earlier
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Fiction has to make sense.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.