me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.