I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.